| RANDOM QUOTE | I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
-Dean Martin | |
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| UNBEARABLE |  | Category: Work
Tuesday, August 31st, 2004 @ 03:11 pm
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Work is becoming stranger and stranger for me as the days go by. Due to my status as "only person around here that knows the differences between holes in the ground and my ass", I'm getting bugged constantly.
I sit here in my little world, surrounded by humming computers, and throw myself into projects. Truth be told, it's pretty fun having to create functionality for new and weird shit that management dreams up and decides is a necessity. I can sit here, tacking away at code, figuring out 18 ways to skin a cat, coming up with "neat", and to some extent impressive, algorithms to create the odd outcome that I've been requested to provide.
Then, the inevitable happens, I hear the shuffling of feet on carpet behind me. Hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I sense the living incarnation of Yosemite -fucking- Sam breathing down my neck. I turn to see him standing there, gut hanging over his "Don't Mess with Texas" belt buckle. Under one arm, a disheveled pile of claims, sticking haphazardly out of a crumpled manilla folder. Under the other, a laptop which, from the looks of it, was bestowed to him by Jesus Christ himself shortly before the son of God's untimely execution.
"Yah tha man that fixin's tha puters?", he drawls, his words crumbling my technological, zen-like state.
I turn around to face him to see if I recognize him as having been in here before, but it's impossible. His face is rapidly shape-shifting, quickly becoming a blurry amalgam of every one of these spawns of dixie that has stepped into this office.
"Yes, I suppose that would be me," I respond as pleasantly as possible, trying my damndest to earn the title of "most personable" member of the IT staff, a title I've been honored with more than once.
He rears back, with moustache flairing and firey balls of chewing tobacco spewing forth, the demon speaks, "Well, ah don't really whatsa wrong with it, I can't seems to git it on tha intarweb, it dull-gern locks up on me every time."
He doesn't fool me. I know the devil's tricks by now. You see "locks up" is the way this multi formed beast refers to the actual human phrase "isn't working". A "lock up" could be an actual "lock up", a program crashing, an error when trying to save something, or best yet, just not knowing what to do at all.
I prepare to throw myself headlong into this issue to resolve it as expeditiously as humanly possible. "What kind of wireless card are you using?" I inquire, hoping to start from the ground up and find something before I actually have to lay hands on this creature's computer.
"Dunno if ah got one ah those things," he ripostes, his ignorance skewering me through the heart, wounding me mortally.
In my last, dying breath, I fire up my email client and shoot an email to my coworker currently working onsite in Florida: "Avenge me," I write as I feel the life draining from my body. I press the "Send" button and steady myself in preparation to meet my maker.
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| FREE WISDOM |  | Category: Philosophy
Monday, August 30th, 2004 @ 09:59 am
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When showering, always start with your hair and work your way down:
If you start with your legs and work your way up, all the grease from the top half of your body will recontaminate the already clean lower half as it rinses down.
When drying off after a shower, always start with your hair and work your way down:
If you go about drying off in a chaotic fashion, you risk the chance of rubbing your face with a part of the towel that's been in your ass crack.
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| PULLMAN, PAXTON | [UPDATE]: Apparently a few of you are getting confused. This post was nothing more than me realizing that I had been victim of the ole Paxton/Pullman style confusion around these two particular celebrities. I was not pointing out that they are both listed somewhere with the same credits.
 Aaron Eckhart:Meet my friend Aaron Eckhart. He's getting to be quite a player these days. You may have seen him in smash hits such as The Core, or Paycheck. You can even catch him in the new film Suspect Zero about that douche bag "Remote Viewing" stuff that the History Channel keeps making people believe is real. If you're going to say something about the impossibility of being a star while at the same time being in movies like Paycheck and The Core, just keep your opinion to yourself for the time being.
I'm a big fan of Aaron Eckhart for two reasons, neither of them really being substantial at all: 1) He plays the lead role in the latest movie adaptation of The Punisher, and 2) He played Todd Parker, the moustachioed, gear head, coke addict in Boogie Nights.
 Thomas Jane:Meet my other friend Thomas Jane. Well, he's not really my friend, I don't think I've even heard his name before, but he's a person and he's got a page on IMDB. In fact, if you take a gander at said page, you'll notice it is quite chock full of "stuff", with this "stuff" being an assload of movies he's been in. You'll probably also notice the picture they have of him is about 8 1,000,000 times more gay than the one I have here.
Now I find myself being a big fan of Thomas Jane too. Why? Well, for two reason really: 1) He plays the lead role in the latest movie adaptation of The Punisher, and 2) He played Todd Parker, the moustachioed, gear head, coke addict in Boogie Nights.
Funny, eh?
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| WORKITY WORK WORK | | Category: Work
Tuesday, August 17th, 2004 @ 03:27 pm
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Well, looks like my two wonderful coworkers have been sent out to the ravaged wasteland known as Florida. I guess I'll be holding down the fort at the office on my own for some time.
The fact that I'm the lone gunman in the IT department and the amount of work generated by the catastrophes we have going on right now are combining to create a strange state of being that seems to be able to bend space and time as we know it. I get into work around 8:15am and as soon as the elevator opens on my floor I hear this massive roar surround me while my body vibrates and spasms uncontrollably for about 10 minutes. I hear men screaming and woman weeping. I see flashes of light and darkness perforated by the faces of the damned. Then I sit down at my desk and look at the clock and notice it's 5:15pm. Wow.
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| FLOOD, FIRE, AND FAMINE | | Category: Work
Friday, August 13th, 2004 @ 10:40 am
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 Well, a cool front has swept across my fair city sending wave after wave of absolutely wonderful weather to my front door. Just in time for the weekend too, it should be fantastic.
What a great time for a hurricane to hit and have my company go to DEFCON FUCKING FOUR. You see, I work at a catastrophe company and a hurricane is poised over a prostrate Florida, ready to ram its wrath of God up the state's ass. So, the time has come for everybody to freak the fuck out and start screaming at everybody to mobilize and be prepared to get to the site.
I think I'm dodging the bullet for the time being in as far as getting sent out, but like the Virginia Beach hurricane I have to do the support from the home office as well as be ready to relieve one of the other guys if the time comes. I don't know if it's the guarantee of money this time or the fact that I've already been through this a few times before but the proposition of getting sent out isn't as big a deal to me this time. Granted, I don't want to, but it doesn't seem like the end of the world this go 'round.
Oh well, as it looks now I'll be in town for the weekend, but who knows.
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